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My Mental Health Journey

Covid has taken the worst toll on all of us. But today we are not going to minimize the dark could that the past year has put on us. We’re not going to gloss over the pain that’s been felt emotionally or mentally; we’re going to talk about it.

By no means is this me throwing a pity party for myself for making my problems seem like the worst in the world because I’m able to put them into words. This is about reflection.

When I started Taylor Co. I knew I wanted this to be a space people come to and feel seen. Understood. Empathized with.

Sharing my experiences in light-hearted learning lessons has made me more confident in myself and my story. Now I am finally ready to dig deeper, show more of myself, and be the voice that puts into words the exact same way you feel so we can heal together.

The emotional toll of covid didn’t hit me until months later. I loved being home, and I still do. I love not commuting, limiting the access people have to me, and having so much free time on my hands that I haven’t as since my childhood. But after a few months, a mental shift happened. I don’t know what caused it or why but I do know that it’s been one of the hardest mindsets to shift myself out of.

I literally stopped caring about the things that used to excite me the most: school, writing, getting dressed, sitting by the window, talking to friends. I wanted none of it. Then I noticed myself trying to overcompensate for what felt like to me “wasted time”. I would stay up until 4 in the morning because I didn’t wake up until 12 and felt like I wasted my day. I would allow my mind to fill with anxious thoughts about my blog and stress the need for success and overanalyze my relationships with those closest to me. Am I really a good friend, daughter, girlfriend, sister, friend?

I kept missing deadlines and not caring then overcare with extreme guilt to make things up times 10. I desperately wanted to have the same energy and charisma to handle a full plate of tasks like I used to but I couldn’t. I wanted to be the same reliable, dependable, selfless, energetic person I was before the pandemic but I wasn’t, and it killed me.

A tarot reader once told me, “you’re one of those people where everything is either great or you’re completely off the rails” and boy was she right. I got to a point emotionally where it felt like every aspect of my life was drowning and I had no clue how to save it or where to start.

Normally I save my pep talks for the end but if this is you, I want you to know that everything will be okay. With time everything aligns or realigns itself again and comes back to you. I know you feel scared. I know you feel hopeless. But I promise that feeling won’t last forever. Hitting rock bottom emotionally is HARD and PAINFUL. And when it happens to you for the first time, you will have this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and feel like you’ve failed yourself for good, there’s no way to recover from this. But you are strong. You have been there for yourself through every situation in your life and you will continue to be there for yourself for this too. The only way to get through tough phases in your life is to go through them. And you absolutely can do it.

Getting back on your feet emotionally is not a one size fits all process but for me, it started with the gym. I got to a place so rough emotionally that I couldn’t recognize myself physically. The gym has always been the foundation of my discipline, confidence, and determination for years. I truly could not keep that up in quarantine. I hated working out from home and that was the beginning of me losing discipline, confidence, and determination in all other aspects of my life. (which is a realization I didn’t see for months!)

Getting back into the gym was my first step. Giving myself time and patience was my second. Emotional losses are never easy to build back. You didn’t create your confidence, discipline, empathy, or any other emotion you lost in a day, and it won’t come back overnight. Heathy emotions and a positive outlook on life come from a daily dedication to work towards that.

The day this was posted made two full months of me actively working on and healing myself. Yes, I still have bad days. Yes, I still face setbacks. But every single day I choose myself and choose a healthier version of me. Emotional healing is a lifelong journey that requires you to constantly hold space for yourself and allow yourself to grow. Do not let the though stages of your life stop you from showing up for yourself, because you deserve the best version of yourself.

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